Nightmares

I am having disturbing dreams. Otherwise known as nightmares. I've had them for a while but never spoken about them because they are the kind you only recollect small bits and pieces. All I could tell you is that they were scary. Scary not in like fleeing monsters kind of way... well kind of.

Since starting a new job I have had no time to process what I am writing. My time is either spent writing or working. My plan is to start school up again when this book is finished and surprisingly my parents actually made me realize that doing all three would be really overwhelming. My old job I got about every other day off with considerably less hours than I work now which gave me time to process my thoughts and emotions collectively. I do not have as much time to process what I am feeling and they are coming out in my dreams or nightmares I guess you would call them.

I had a nightmare last night that really tripped me up and left me half of the morning calming myself down. I've had nightmares off and on since I have began writing which I considered normal. Now, I've had three seperate ones each night for three nights in a row. Today has been a processing today for me. Identifying the dreams as well as the associated emotion. It's like I'm being my own therapist over here.

I've said this before but it is important for me to be able to process. Process through it now so it does not continue on and that does not need to be in the form of talking. The best way I handle my feelings is being alone and doing it myself (trying my best to do it not destructively). I would be lying if I said I did not want to use eating disorder behaviors. To be honest all I want to do is binge and purge. But I will refrain.

It is hard and messy. My heart aches and I am not okay today. I feel heavy. Hopefully tomorrow will be better considering it is my last day off before I go back to work. My head is spinning and I just want to be alone. This blog is also a platform for me to process my own stuff as well as document the progression of my book. Some days you get me just trying to find a way to process my own feelings and today is one of those days.

My book is continuing along but I cannot write today. The weekends are when I usually put all my focus into writing but today I emotionally am not prepared for what will come up. I will try again tomorrow.

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