I know this will be worth it.

I am really struggling with something called derealization. In response to writing this book which is becoming harder and harder to write. Not necessarily the context but my connection to the little girl that I am writing about: Me. I still have this overwhelming drive to write which I am glad. Derealization is something I have experienced before when I was younger but it is back with more intensity than I am comfortable with. I feel as though I am not real, I am not real in my own environment. It is an interesting thing to experience because half of me believes I am crazy.

In reality I know it is just the effects of my past coming to a head. I like to convince myself that I am over my past, I mean it happened 5 years ago? I'm supposed to be over it right? Unfortanetly not. I am learning to be accepting of the fact that in some ways I am not over it and that is okay. That is valid. My feelings towards the events are valid. This book is not getting easier to write, more so with this dissasociative symptom I am experiencing. I know I will get through this, it is just hard in the moment. Hard in the fact that I do not know when this will go away, considering I have so much longer of this writing, editing and *crosses fingers* eventually publishment goes.

It scares me a little bit. Derealization is not pleasant, it doesn't feel good. It is my brains way of protecting me in an odd way. Brains are trippy that way. I know this book will be worth it. It has to be. My passion for this project is not deminishing. This little setback is just driving me forward to the reality that is the WHY I continue to push forward.

I am stronger than my past self. I can get through this. This will be worth it in the end.

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