A little bit closer. Documenting my publishing journey (December 10th 2017)

This blog is mainly for my own documentation, to look back on the process of everything that goes into writing a book. Today I showed my mom my draft of the lengthy story of my seventh grade year and the response I got was a very good one. Reading my words, made her cry in some parts and anger in others.

I know my mom and she would not tell me that draft was good if it wasn't. I am glad I have her as an editor if you will because she will always tell me the truth. Hearing her response of how good it was made me feel even more motivated and passionate to continue on. I am proud of what I have written and will continue to write.

I feel as if writing my times in middle school provided a closure that I didn't expect to occur. That chapter is done and I feel as though I can literally close that chapter in my mind and somewhat move on more than I ever have before. It feels good. I am no longer bitter, or just confused. I am confident with my story and for that I am proud.  Writing that chapter was my own way of closure and I feel at peace. A peace that talking it out in therapy has never brought me.

I am now on to eighth grade. This is a hard year as well, my eating disorder began here. A disease that I am no where near close to recovering from. I never imagined how much an eating disorder would rob from me until it was too late. The parasite was already in my head and it is a bitch to get rid of let me tell you. Writing this part of my story will be almost more difficult because now it is the aftermath. The aftermath that I am just now still trying to get out of my brain. It is messy. I promised myself I would not sugar coat anything because this is the shit that every teacher needs to hear.

Whether they believe it or not, this happens to students and I believe that they need to stop being naive in the fact that public school is run perfectly fine. The aftermath is almost worse than actually being in it. The confusion is still there, the feeling of inadequacy is still there, the need of coping is still there. The hurt does not stop once you are out of it, it stays with you. My mom said it will probably be easier to write the rest of this book...

It's almost worse because everything that I did or did not do, said or did not say was affected by my 7th grade year. Even still I feel that hurt, five years later. I still hold the same beliefs about myself and as a way to cope has become a demon that I will probably live with for the rest of my life. That's what hurts.

I can't change the past, but I'm trying hard to change the future but it's harder than I think anyone understands.

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